Bad love? Call it quits, don’t stand by the door
The brand of self flagellation I most enjoy is keeping a lover past their expiry date. My personal music community, aka the people following my Apple Music Connect profile, know very well that I’m a woman of mood defined playlists. In 2020, when I was trying out international virtual dating, I met a man who had me smitten for months beyond his IRL potential. Suffice to say, that ship has since been swallowed whole by the Burmuda Triangle of the dating world, ghosting. Since then, I’ve been careful not to allow lovers their own lengthy playlists, or multiple playlists for that matter. Granted, there is one particular romantic interest, whom I’ve kept for far too long, who has enjoyed the privilege of three or so playlists made in their name (sometimes his shame, but don’t tell him).
However, recently, I curated one playlist I feel best describes where I’d like to be with a number of people I’ve come to love over the years, calling it quits. The Hail Mary of the playlist is “By The Door”, a single by ZimkithA. Loosely translated, she says something to the effect of, “I’ve packed my things, I’m leaving, but I’m stuck by the door. Bye my love, you’ve been playing with me. I’m leaving, my heart is crying, I’m torn between your love and the door.” On first listen, I’ll admit I was translating in my head, but as I continued to sit with single it touched me and I considered, Is this not what we all think before leaving a lover?
I recently watched a TikTok by Felicity Shaw where she shared, “Don’t flatter yourself you weren’t much of a loss I just have attachment issues”. Now, that’s not a can of worms I’m interested in exploring, but I can admit that I identified with the statement a little bit. In calling it quits, the description box reads in part, “Don’t bother packing all of your things. Just go. Dash through the door, hightail on the highway and get the hell out of that love.” Essentially, between these two statements, ask yourself, do you really feel cut up about losing the person, or that the euphoria of the relationship has come to an end? If I were Issa Rae, I’d be standing in front of my mirror asking, “Now am I hurt that the lover, the person as an individual, is gone or that I was attached and now I have to disengage in any case?”
Over the years, I’ve developed a few rules to weed out potentially problematic relationships. I do not date politicians, men of the cloth, or their children. Remember the time one African president’s wife flew into South Africa and assaulted her son’s girlfriend? Imagine the scandal if I were one such girlfriend. No, that’s done. However, I did bend the rules once, the son of a West African megachurch founder had me standing by the stove, serving drinks, and moonlighting as a resident of Midrand. If you asked me today, I’d respond with Keke Palmer’s “Sorry to this man”, because that is one relationship I don’t claim. Nevertheless, I did it and at the time I was in love with him. I knew the flag was red, but I thought to myself, “Let’s wave it around and it’ll be like a carnival”. Thankfully, I was smart enough to get out.
This is to say, sure I appreciate a romance, even if it’s meant to be brief; but there’s a part of me, of many of us I like to think, that would much prefer to suffer through a relationship’s last legs than to call it quits before more damage is done. For those unfamiliar with American football, a Hail Mary is “a very long forward pass…typically made in desperation.” I call “By The Door” the Hail Mary of calling it quits because if a listener is anything like myself, you really do need that final shove out the door of love. So, run fast, run far, don’t look back, don’t pack any bags, don’t stand by the door, turn the knob and call it quits.