My “sparkle” vs. a slow burning romance

A woman of impulsivity, of chaos, and euphoria that punctuates grief yields a lover with no sense of pacing. I am woman of such things and thus a woman without good pacing. In life, we seek stimulus; the club, a hug, artworks, perhaps drugs. However, the true freedom is in patience wherever there is love, in a love that burns slowly. 

In pop culture, the loves that are often the most celebrated are those that develop hard and fast. Too often, the very same romances devolve into chaos just as quickly. Consider couples like Romeo and Juliette or Olivia and Fitz, both relationships had no peace, pacing, or positive prospects given how hard and fast each character each fell in love. Currently, I’m considering my place in a romance that seems to be burning far slower than I’ve ever experienced. However, because I am a woman of impulsivity, chaos, and euphoria punctuated grief, the peace of a slower burn is jarring and fear inducing. I want to throw up.

At the same time, I’ve spent a lot of time considering the merits of a slow burning romance. To elaborate, “the romance, the relationship, that has time to ruminate in your spirit and grow roots which yields the best union.” Consider Manana’s newest release, “I can’t believe I get to call you mine” as an example of this. The South African single is now married to his longtime partner and puts forward in song, “I can't believe this day is finally here // Been waiting patiently for it to appear”. In my opinion, “above all else, it’s the patience in root growing that promises the richest romance.”

There’s a trend on TikTok where the subject asserts that the reason they didn’t want to medicate their mental illness is because they don’t want to lose their “sparkle”. In the following images, the “sparkle” referred to is usually images of chaotic and emotional distress. I relate to this on a deeply personal level that I’m not interested in unpacking today. However, because I’ve made a commitment to healing, I understand that I’m going to have to interrogate my “sparkle” more than I ever have before. Unfortunately, and like many others, much of my “sparkle” is derived from childhood and sexual trauma. The romance that I’m warming towards will need to burn slow, will require patience, but I’m interested in it - a novelty.

So, perhaps I’ll lose my “sparkle”. Perhaps I never should have developed that element of my character. Perhaps I won’t be good at this budding romance, but at this point in my life, it is a slow burning romance that I want to explore.